


written word

by n7punk



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25295803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n7punk/pseuds/n7punk
Summary: Some people keep diaries - Catra keeps a hit list. She does not need ink to remember it clearly – it flashes before her eyes every night as she tries to sleep in her empty Force Captain quarters.Years after the first list's creation, in the light of a new life in Bright Moon, she creates a new list.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 219





	1. During the war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was kind of an exploration into Catra's darker thoughts that totally got away from me. It was initially supposed to be a companion piece to "documentation of the perils of women" but then it kind of spiraled and became this.  
> This doesn't really fit in my ficverse so I've kept it separate despite it. Also being canon to my ficverse. Look I'm trying okay.

Alone in her rage, in the new Force Captain quarters she always _said_ she did not want, Catra assembles a list of offenders in her head.

  1. Sparkles.



She does not know the other girl’s name. She just knows she is the antithesis of everything they have been brought up to fight and hate. A pastel, sparkly, magic princess. Catra never gave a shit about Shadow Weaver’s vendetta against princesses, but Adora _had_. And yet in the middle of the night, Adora leaves her behind to follow the very thing she hates just because, what, she grew some _morales_? Suddenly she is not content to overshadow Catra in just training and battle, she has to be better than her morally too? Has to prove she is better than Catra to the whole of Etheria?

Has to leave her, alone in their bunk, to fend for herself in the ever-crushing onslaught of life in the Fright Zone?

It is all the fucking sparkly princesses’ fault. So no matter what happens, she will always be at the top of Catra’s list of people she wants _gone_.

2\. Arrow Boy.

The sidekick to Sparkles has to be brought down, or she didn’t really _get_ to her yet. Besides, he was _right there_ at Thaymor, and if he hadn't been she might have had a chance at talking Adora into coming home to her. He shows Adora casual affection, through his arm thrown over her shoulders as they celebrate a victory or calling out her name with concern like he _cares_ in the middle of a battle. The boy smiles like the sun, like Adora used to at her, and it makes her sick to her stomach. She wants to slice that smile right off his face. Whenever she pictures doing it, she imagines Adora’s face when she sees what Catra has done. Sometimes it makes her proud. Sometimes it makes her sick to her stomach.

3\. She-ra.

Adora was _hers_. The one thing that belonged to her, the one person in the entire world that gave a shit about her. She finds a stupid sword and suddenly Adora’s gone – all she gets to see is She-ra now.

She _hates_ her. Hates her in the way she tries to convince herself she hates Adora, but can never quite make the emotion extend. Despite everything, deep down, Adora is _Adora_ and she can break through Catra’s defenses - even now she has left her, broken her heart, betrayed her.

But She-ra, Catra can hate freely.

She looks like Adora – but she is wrong. Too big, too much, actually glows like Adora had always _seemed_ to when she smiled at Catra. She smells like Adora - but wrong, off, an electric current of magic that Catra has come to associate only with pain running through her scent. It is a bastardization of all the warmth Adora used to radiate. She talks like Adora - except Adora’s grandstanding is now amplified to excruciating admonishments about _right_ and _wrong_ and _you have to, Catra_.

She bleeds like Adora, too. Like she would when they were little and Catra couldn’t quite keep her claws to herself – didn’t know to try in the first place, or how to go about it. Catra notices the difference here immediately, the first time she sees She-ra and searches her for any proof that no, this _can't be_. She-ra bleeds, but she doesn’t scar. No matter how Catra scans her arms for the tell-tale marks she left on Adora’s skin when they were little, or how she rakes her claws across the shining white uniform, nothing mars She-ra's perfect flesh afterwards. It makes Catra seethe, sometimes, but when she lays in her bed at night, reviewing her list while sleep alludes her, she can admit she is grateful for this one difference.

Her pain, her rage, her hatred she can safely unleash on She-ra for taking Adora from her, knowing that beneath it all, _her_ Adora will be safe, untouched.

\--

Scorpia gets added to the list, occasionally. Only on bad days, and only ever briefly, with a different entry every time.

Sometimes Catra is just mad. Mad at Adora, at Shadow Weaver, at every little thing that has gone wrong in her life, and Scorpia is just _there_ , inviting trouble. Other times Scorpia will touch her, grabbing her from behind to hug her, and Catra feels ice and fire grip her body as she freezes, the duality leaving her defenseless against the onslaught. Catra really hates days like that.

Other times, Scorpia will smile at her. Say something gentle. Offer help in her clumsy way, and for a moment Catra isn’t looking at kind, dark eyes but shining blue ones. Every time, she wants to scream. Somehow, she manages to regale herself to an angry outburst to _fuck off, Scorpia_ and adds her to the list.

She always feels a hollow hurt as she strikes Scorpia from the list, that night or the next morning. She does not want the other woman in her life, not now, but in another time she knows she could have let them be real friends.

It is another reason she gets added to the list. She holds too much of Catra, now, and Catra knows that no one can be trusted with her heart. They just use it against her.

\--

Shadow Weaver never gets formally added to the list – not even after she escapes. Shadow Weaver _transcends_ the list.

\--

All the other princesses are on the list as a collective charge. None of them are friends with Adora- with _She-ra_ the way that Sparkles and Crop Top are, so they get added as barriers to her success and nothing more. They don’t deserve her rage – they aren’t that important. Nothing is important except winning, showing everyone exactly how wrong they were about her. Showing them how dangerous she has always been.

That is true, at least, until Entrapta is standing before her, stopping her, and Catra sees red. She rockets up the list, a heading all her own. Her entry is the only one Catra strikes from the list because she is successful in removing them from her life.

It makes her sick whenever she thinks about it. Several times she has to haul herself out of her bed to dry-heave in the middle of the night. It is post-portal weirdness, she tells herself. She died to an unknown magical force twice, it is bound to leave lingering effects.

She does not have a magical explanation for the tears that fall as her stomach churns.

\--

Hordak is a slow play. He has been on the list for a while now. Catra has no strict plans laid out for him, just dances around him in a give and take. Sometimes she thinks she can use him – other times she knows she just has to _survive_ him. He runs in tandem to Shadow Weaver in that way – she just needs to survive her, but she also wants to kill her, but she also wants her to just _look at her_.

\--

Catra is staring at an unseeing, crying Glimmer through the gleam of an one-sided, green field when the top three spots of her list, immutable and unchanging since its creation, are replaced, along with every other entry, with one single heading.

 _Prime_.


	2. After the war

After the war, Catra makes a new list. She sits at Adora’s vanity, staring at a blank piece of paper with trepidation. Internally, she is glad she never penned her ever-present list of years past. It would have been pointless – it changed so often anyways – but now no proof of her dark thoughts exists anywhere except inside her head. She always referred to it as hit list in her mind - she knows it was truly just a list of those who she wanted out of her life, none of the deadly intent behind it that those words imply, but now she is friends with most everyone from the original list, it feels wrong to even think about.

 _I have to believe it is worth it_ , Perfuma had said.

Carefully, Catra lifts the pen she borrowed from Adora and writes the first heading.

_Lying._

_Anger._

_Running._

_Denial._

Catra’s hand shakes and she drops the pen – on purpose, of course. She stands from the chair, carefully, glances around the room and finds Melog already standing by her side. She takes a deep breath, patting their head, and goes to find Adora.

Adora helps her revise the list.

“Maybe ask Perfuma? Since she is the one who inspired all this?” Adora advises, holding her close as she peers over her shoulder to look at Catra’s scrawl. Adora had pointed out that _Denial_ and _Running_ were kind of the same, but neither of them had made a move to strike it from the list. They both knew it was a touchy subject. Adora hums as she kisses her jaw. “I’m proud of you,” she assures, and Catra’s heart feels like it might just be out of her chest.

Of her own choice, but still somehow against her will, Catra seeks Perfuma out with the paper clutched in her hand. She finds her near the edge of the Whispering Woods, studying some of the new plant growth that is already beginning to escape the Woods’ borders. She had left Melog behind, hoping to be able to keep some of her rioting thoughts to herself, but she has already begun to regret that decision by the time Perfuma spots her.

Perfuma greets her warmly, waving and calling out to her as she approaches. Catra settles against a tree nearby, one arm propped up on a knee, paper clutched in her fist, watching as Perfuma busies herself between the plants, humming pleasantly.

She has not been with the princess one-on-one since… well, ever, but they haven’t had a private conversation since before the battle with Prime. Her mind wanders to what Perfuma had offered her, back in the rebel base.

Eventually, Perfuma straightens from her work, wandering over to Catra with a confused smile on her face. “What can I do for you, Catra?” she asks.

 _Nothing. You shouldn’t do anything for me_ , Catra thinks. She feels her ears flatten to her skull, turns her face away and shoves the piece of paper in her direction instead. She hears the paper crinkle as Perfuma uncreases it. There’s a small “huh” of confusion, Catra’s ear twitching as she waits for anything more.

“What is this?” Perfuma finally asks. Catra heaves a sigh, gaze still fixed firmly on the ground.

“I’m- I’m trying to be better. For Adora. For myself. To everyone else. I used- I used to use lists, back at the Horde. To keep track of things. I wanted…” she trails off. She means to find her words before starting again, but her mind is eerily silent. The only sound is the rustling of plant life, chirping of insects, and distant calls of creatures from within the Whispering Woods.

She hears movement to her right, ears twitching to track it as Perfuma settles, cross-legged, a few feet from her on the ground.

“These are the things you want to change?” Perfuma asks. Catra laughs, bitterly, then winces.

“Sorry, that…” she swallows thickly, “wasn’t directed at you. Yeah, that’s some of it. There is a lot. But I can only…” she trails off again.

“It is important to start on a few, core goals. Taking on too much at once often results in failure. Besides, when working towards self-improvement, even one of these things can make a big difference,” Perfuma assures her. Catra, previously unable to face the princess, cannot stop herself from turning to stare at the other woman. Perfuma just smiles helpfully at her.

“Scorpia deserves you,” Catra finally manages to reply. Perfuma looks startled for a moment and Catra finds herself scrambling. “That’s a compliment. You’re both- yeah.”

She sucks at this. But Perfuma’s expression softens and she smiles again, brighter this time, so maybe it was okay.

“If you’re really serious about this, then I can help you determine what you want to work on. I really think mediation would help you a lot with this too,” Perfuma offers.

“Of course I’m serious-“ Catra cuts herself off with a hiss, turns away from the princess again.

“Deep breaths,” Perfuma offers behind her. Catra has to dig her claws into the dirt beneath her to stop from snapping again. Right. Deep breaths.

It helps.

“If you think that would help,” Catra finally replies, turning back to face the other woman. Perfuma practically beams at her.

\--

The list gets reworded under Perfuma’s suggestion.

“Positive phrasing can really help with achieving peace,” Perfuma had offered. Catra had to bite her tongue about lovey-dovey optimist bullshit.

She was right, though.

After their first meditation session in the castle garden, Catra returns to Adora with a new list.

\--

  1. Honesty.



It’s not that Catra was a habitual liar, or anything. Yes, there had been times when she lied almost constantly, but she wasn’t just making shit up for dramatic effect like DT would sometimes. She was manipulative, and lying was just a part of that. People would ask what she needed and she would lead them on a roundabout chase until they were giving her what she wanted without her ever having to admit to it – if you tell someone what you need, they can use it against you.

People would ask her how she was and she would tell them she was fine, or better yet, to fuck off – admitting emotions was weakness, and for a while there between the portal and Prime, she felt so numb at times she was not sure how she would feel again.

Scorpia would say _we’re friends_ and Catra would lie by omission, glaring at her and returning to her work – because deep down, she wanted to be, but that meant letting someone close enough to hurt her again.

 _Focus on the positives_ , Perfuma had said. So instead of working on curbing her lies, she and everyone around her was meant to push for honesty. When asked a question, Perfuma teaches her to take a second to breathe to consider what she really wants to say – and what she is ready to admit – before she snaps out another protective lie.

  1. Anger management.



Catra’s anger has always been a fire. Once upon a time, she would lash out with claws whenever someone touched her, scared her, threatened her. As she grew older, as Shadow Weaver worked her insidious thorns deeper into her, she learned to use words instead of claws. The effect was the same – sometimes even worse for the other person and better for her. No one in the Horde cared if you were horrible, but damaging another cadet could affect their performance.

But even as the world worked against her, leaving her volatile and broken, Adora had soothed her. When Catra lashed out, physically or verbally, she would always come back to her, chase after her. Together, not knowing the unfamiliar territory they stumbled through, Catra learned to control her emotions - or at the very least, bury them. Neither of them knew what they were doing, but they were happier together.

When Adora left, all the progress shattered. Well, almost all. Catra was able to regale her physical outbursts to inanimate objects – and She-ra – mostly, but her emotional outbursts only worsened. Now they had to start over again. The difference was they both knew more – about each other, themselves, and the world. They were better equipped than ever, and they knew it was possible, now.

So Catra’s anger flares, and she turns away. She bites her tongue, not because her toxic environment forces her to, but because she chooses to. She ducks out to give herself time to cool her emotions, but never leaves without giving Adora a look, a squeeze of the fingers, or even instructing Melog to stay, just as a small reassurance.

_I’ll be back. Always._

  1. Acceptance.



It takes awhile for Catra to, well, accept this one.

“Guilt weighs on you. You struggle with denial because you do not want to feel the guilt,” Perfuma explains near the end of their meeting. “Acceptance helps with moving forward from both. It also helps with creating the mindset where you can not only face your mistakes, but fix them.”

It is at the bottom of the list, not because of its importance, but because of its difficulty.

“I still struggle with accepting what Shadow Weaver did to my brother,” Castaspella confides in her, when they end up isolated in a hallway of the palace together, Catra’s list clutched in her hand as she tries to weave her way back to Adora. “Accepting it and forgiving it are two different things. I could never forgive it. But I am working on accepting it. It is all we can do to treat the wounds she left behind.”

Castaspella seems to hate Shadow Weaver just as much Catra. _Good_. She feels none of the conflict for the other woman Catra does, and Catra envies her that, but what she said of acceptance remained true.

Catra would work on accepting her past, and maybe one day, she wouldn’t have so many lists written in her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also mention Catra's list, in passing, in "implications" if you're interested, though that certainly is not what that fic is about. Thanks for reading!


End file.
